I am available to write or edit for you: exciting, isn’t it? (This is the part where you smile and nod.)
Here I am. See, I’m a real person, not just a drone at a keyboard, and I’m eager to help you with your literary or communication projects. It’s just peachy if you don’t live near me, since this is the era of internet communications and email is our friend, friends.
So, what can I do for you, anyway? Cue the inspirational music.
I can write a beautiful obituary or eulogy to honour the memory of a beloved person, pet, or houseplant.
My skills could help you give a toast at that upcoming wedding that sets the audience crying with laughter or sentiment rather than you squinting to read your lines off a smeared napkin in front of all those people. You definitely don’t want to do that again.
Speaking of weddings, I can also help you find the right words for vows, invitations, announcements and cards of gratitude.
Your resume could snag the attention of all the right people after I overhaul it; after all, if I can blog every day about my boring little life, I can definitely make certain you sound like the capable, intelligent person you are.
Rather than sending a drunken text or repeating that embarrassing scene at The Olive Garden, hire me to help you write your next Dear John letter or break up speech. If you need to send that formerly special someone packing, do it with eloquence and flair, folks.
As an English teacher, I’m cursed with a proofreading disability; I cannot turn it off. I am forced to go through daily life constantly identifying mistakes in written English and suggesting ways to correct them, so let’s work together to turn my curse into your blessing. If you’ve created something on your own, consider having me scour your article, speech, manuscript or any other written piece for errors, clarity, and flow, among other critical details. We can work together to ensure your writing conveys the message you intend it to and achieves your goals with gusto.
I’ll write or edit just about anything for you, as long as doing so doesn’t constitute academic dishonesty. You’ll have to write your own damn paper on the history of whatever, students: it’s not learning if you don’t actually do it yourself.
If you have a project I can help with, wee or gargantuan, please send me the details at firstname.lastname@example.org
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Do you do translations? I would like you to translate the following into Rodentese:
Get out of my house, and stay out. And tell your friends I mean business. Cap’n Firepants is going to use his hedge clipper thingamajigger on you if you ever cross our threshold again.
Mrs. Cap’n Firepants
You can substitute your own synonym for thingamajigger if there is not a suitable Rodentese version.
How much do I owe you?
Let me confer with my rodent associate, Mr. Leroy, and get back to you. He might know better than I do how to send rodentia packing.
The farm girl in me says nail a dead rat somewhere obvious to warn others to stay away. It works in the glory days of pirates!
In that case, Cap’n Firepants should certainly embrace that method!