Call Me Miss Muffet

Leroy has his own room, in a way, in the dollhouse. The back bedroom will eventually be my working office if I get my act together (or rent a bulldozer to clear the rubble) but for now, Leroy’s bed is in the corner, and his business box is hidden in the teeny closet that really isn’t big enough for anything more noble.

My feline friend’s food dish is also under the window. Imagine my surprise, and the resonance of my shriek, when I looked through the back bedroom window over my yard, and a large and nasty part of my view was blocked by a hideous spider. Leroy’s appetite wasn’t affected by my discovery. I felt a little green around the gills.

Folks who read my ramblings here at Blue Speckled Pup already know I can’t handle spiders. Seriously, they make me want to run away with my hands in the air. They make my hair stand even more on end. The one who currently lives in my back bedroom window is by far the biggest I’ve ever seen. She’s one of those eight-legged beasts with the big, juicy rear end: the Kim Kardashian of the arachnid world, so outlandishly shapely that folks just stare in shock. I have no idea if this spider has had work done, but she sure doesn’t look real. Maybe I’ll call her Kim, since Charlotte is a little overdone at this point.

Hang on! Wait just an ear-pickin’ minute! I read your minds, didn’t I?

Yes, regulars, I know you’re wondering why the heck I’m talking about the spider in the present tense, why I haven’t asked The Electrician to schmear Kim across the back yard with his giant foot, or why I haven’t sprayed her with the stuff in the red can until she started to Riverdance and tucked into canon ball position.

I failed to mention earlier that this very large, very pear-shaped spider is on the outside of the window. Kim isn’t actually in my house, but chooses to spend her evenings basking on the tremendous web she’s slung across the outer window frames. I haven’t been able to snap a good photo, since she stays out of sight during the heat of the days and shows up at night. There are three dozen blurry, crummy photos in my digital camera right now, all taken from the safety of the bedroom during the evenings; I eventually gave up trying to immortalize her on film.

I have no plans to kill Kim. She was intelligent enough to build her web on the exterior of my house, so I’ll let her be. I’ll call it the creepy dude in dark glasses and a worn-out Slayer t-shirt theory. If there was a creepy dude in dark glasses and a sad metal shirt walking down the sidewalk, clearly no threat to me or my loved ones, I might shudder a little, but I wouldn’t take any action to rid the world of said creepy dude. Let’s say, on the other hand, that the same creepy dude in dark glasses and a worn out Slayer t-shirt was unexpectedly in my basement, leaning against my dryer when I went downstairs to deal with my laundry: all bets would be off. That creep would meet the business end of my frying pan, my snow shovel, or even my flip flop if that was the only weapon handy for battle. In short, scary things are way more horrifying inside my house, and that’s when I will take immediate steps to end their skeevy existences.

I’ve decided to allow the spider as a yard tenant for now, since she’s technically performing a pest-control service out in my backyard. I’m not saying I don’t get nervous when I go out to barbeque, or that I still go out onto the back deck barefoot. After all, she’s huge and I’ve seen what she does to the unlucky bugs who are snagged by her web. I started humming the theme from Sweeney Todd the last time I saw her attack her prey: pure, bloody poetry, really. For now, she stays.

Besides, it’ll be cold here (sigh) before long. I’ll allow Kim to enjoy the last few days of summer and her hairy little life. Some time after the first few rock hard frosts, I’ll think of her dead and gone. Then I’ll smile.

copyright 2011:

One Comment Add yours

  1. Kim is definitely doing pest control while she is outside, and as long as she stays outside, she lives. I call that a fair compromise.

    Ugh. I hate spiders even though I know they do good things.

    I’ve been bitten by one and it was horrible. Evidently when I sat outside on a chair – you know the kind that is not solid but has openings in the back like rungs, it disturbed it (I hadn’t seen it or I wouldn’t have sat there)
    My back started to ache the next morning in the area where she bit, and then gradually became more and more painful, like muscle spasms.
    A week later was all swelled up to about 3″ in diameter and inflamed in that spot, excruciatingly painful, so much so that I couldn’t sleep and was crying.
    Then my skin peeled for another two weeks in that area. Really creepy.

    so now I am afraid of them as well as disliking them.

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