Do Not Eat!

I bought a package of turkey jerky last week for a low fat, sugar free snack. I also really wanted to have a food in my cupboard that rhymes. These things are hard to find; after all, how many of us own a…um…beef wreath? Yeah, I realize that’s only near-rhyme. How about a puck of duck? Yard of lard? I digress.

Eating turkey jerky requires several steps.

1. Place all roaming mammals under lockdown.

2. Open turkey jerky package and enjoy.

Both steps are critical to the turkey jerky consumption process, as is performing these steps in the correct order. A person who gets them reversed could find herself in a tug of war over dehydrated fowl with a domestic short haired feline.

At the bottom of the jerky bag, I found a small white packet. My immediate thought was that the considerate folks at Jack Link’s sent along a wet wipe to use on my hands, post-jerky enjoyment. Then I actually looked at the thing.

Apparently, it really smelled like turkey.

Apparently, the jerky company wants to warn me that I should not eat whatever is in this wee sachet. Those considerate people want to ensure I don’t eat it with French, Spanish, or Portuguese food, but especially not over English fare. It seems doing so will turn me into some sort of zombie version of Tin-Tin.

What a horrific concept. Eating this tiny packet, particularly if I have microwaved it, will turn me into an “AGELESS” undead person. It would be Night of the Living Dead up in here. It seems ingesting this packet will cause my head to balloon and my mouth to become a serrated, football-shaped orifice  with nubby teeth all the way around. My ears will drop off and so will my hair. My eyes will migrate farther apart than Black Beauty’s ever were. I will be forced to draw my absent eyebrows back in with Sharpie marker and I will never get it quite right.

Not everything will be a disaster, though, because my hands and button nose will stay as sweet and petite as they ever were. Phew. That’s a relief. Did I mention whatever is inside this little packet will also turn me into a disembodied, floating head?

It’s sure a good thing they put a clear warning on that stuff. I’d hate to be undead and decapitated this week: I have way too much to do around here.

P.S.: Fellow bloggers, if I usually visit your sites and comment on your posts, I haven’t forgotten you. Things are crazy around here with semester change at school. I am looking forward to catching up on your writing as soon as I catch up on my life. In the meantime, I send you love. 

copyright 2012:

8 Comments Add yours

  1. FL Liz says:

    OH Kay, you better NOT eat that packet that causes your head to disengage itself from your body: You declined on the Visa dismemberment insurance. Glad you are thinking straight on this.

  2. Cinderella says:

    I think that packet keeps things from getting moldy. They have one inside all of my vitamin pill jars.

  3. Dalya Moon says:

    I love the pink snout in this photo. Almost can’t see the packet, so enamoured am I with that schnozzle.

  4. pipersmom says:

    Oh my goodness Kay!! I had to pause my reading because I was laughing so hard!

  5. Now I really want to microwave it just to see what happens.

    1. Don’t! Something terrible will happen. I bet your microwave will sprout back hair if you do.

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