For the uninformed, a comma splice occurs when a writer plugs a comma between two independent clauses. Comma splices make my brain ache and cause unbridled frustration deep in my soul. They are as evil as “chocolate flavouring” and movies altered for the family channels. Instead of splicing, the writer could use a period. A semi-colon is also appropriate if a link exists between those clauses: a full colon is another high-falutin’ but perfectly correct option. Writers are also able to keep the comma if they add a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so) before beginning the second independent (suddenly dependent) clause. Additionally, it is correct to make one of the clauses dependent, thus removing the comma splice, by adding a subordinating conjunction, such as although, since, or because at the beginning of either clause.

Of course, my hair-tearing, foot-stomping hatred of the comma splice is reserved for marking papers and reading published writing. Facebook friends need not panic. I see your splices, and they’re you’re business. If you feel you’d like to correct them, though, see the previous paragraph. It’s just another service I offer.

Today, I bring you the parodic stylings of a major English nerd. Um, me. I was born this way. Thank you, Lady Gaga, for the inspiration.

 

Comma Splice (A Geeky Parody of “Poker Face”)

Ba-ba-ba-bah!

Ba-ba-ba-bah!

 

Let’s have a chat about your punctuation please

Abuse of commas makes my poor grey matter seize (bad migraines)

Never put a comma where a period should go

Comma’s too weak to stay there: it’s a simple fact, you know

 

No, no-no-no, ohhhh, no-no-ah-no-no-no

A comma is too weak for that spot

No, no-no-no, ohhhh, no-no-ah-no-no-no

A comma is too weak for that spot

 

Can’t stand those

Can’t stand those

Can’t stand another comma splice

(learn to use a semi-colon)

Can’t take more

Can’t take more

Can’t take a single comma splice

(how about a great conjunction?)

 

c-c-c-comma splice, c-c-comma splice

(ba-ba-ba-bah!)

c-c-c-comma splice, c-c-comma splice

(ba-ba-ba-bah!)

 

I’m getting tired of running out of marking pens

I think you’ve got it then you splice and splice again (it’s torture)

Seems no matter how I harp the independent clause

Comma splices gnash their nasty punctuation jaws

 

No, no-no-no, ohhhh, no-no-ah-no-no-no

A comma is too weak for that spot

No, no-no-no, ohhhh, no-no-ah-no-no-no

A comma is too weak for that spot

 

Can’t stand those

Can’t stand those

Can’t stand another comma splice

(full colons are a snazzy option)

Can’t take more

Can’t take more

Can’t take a single comma splice

(I prescribe a semi-colon)

 

Don’t stick those commas between

Independent clauses

I’m not asking: I am telling,

Appreciate all my “becauses”

Just like some kind of superhero

Stopping improper punctuation

and crimes of English grammar

Proofread your sentences, I plead

 

Can’t stand those

Can’t stand those

Can’t stand another comma splice

(learn to use a semi-colon)

Can’t take more

Can’t take more

Can’t take a single comma splice

(how about a great conjunction?)

 

c-c-c-comma splice, c-c-comma splice

(ba-ba-ba-bah!)

c-c-c-comma splice, c-c-comma splice

(ba-ba-ba-bah!)

 

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