The internet can be a scary place. Scratch that. The internet is a scary place. I have a zillion different passwords, all of them odd combinations of letters and numbers and symbols that none but the most skilled hacker should be able to crack. Still, I worry someone will somehow gain access to all my personal information. What if someone breaks into my account with Clearly Contacts and publishes the extent of my blindness for the whole world to know? What if my bank account is compromised and, after draining my meager resources, the technological burglar makes public the amount of money I spend each month on dog treats and lip gloss? Shudder.

I’m very careful about what I do online, but it seems there are many people, far more powerful and popular than me, who don’t seem to understand that the internet is full of creeps, weirdoes, and opportunists. I feel like every time I log in, some starlet has been literally exposed online because she snapped photos of herself in her underpants or less and the photos were “leaked.”

Newsflash: taps sometimes leak, and so do tires. On very bad days, so do feminine hygiene products and infants’ diapers. Naked photographs don’t “leak.” “Leak” is internet code for “people are stoo-pid.”

Things that exist on the internet go far beyond the level of permanent Sharpie marker. Whatever a person publishes, whether it’s a rant about an ex-parter or former employer, or a picture of that individual in a compromised position, has officially been made indelible in a way that people thirty years ago could never have imagined. It’s like a tattoo on the universe that no amount of laser zapping can eradicate.

I can see the appeal, though, of—oops—providing the vultures with a photo that leaves little or nothing to the imagination. A regular pattern has been established in online media whereby a person (almost always female) allows a photograph or (far worse) a video of herself to enter the fray of the internet, and very soon after, her career takes off. It seems we have become so obsessed with other folks’ bits that we grant people all kinds of fame and fortune to those stoo-pid enough to make the private stuff public. It makes sense that young women think the best way to become a household name is to bare all their, um, secrets, because we continue to reward such poor behavior. Sometimes, it seems a woman can only be a success if she’s willing to engage in public nudity.

Considering that I’m thirty now, and feeling rather old, it seems my days of opportunity are dwindling. When I was a kid, I imagined myself famous for something by this point of my life. Perhaps I should just surrender to the trend of appearing topless on the internet, pretending I had nothing to do with it, and waiting for Oprah to call me for an interview. I realize the woman is semi-retired, but if ever there was something to create a television special event, maybe me “leaking” a photo could do it.

To heck with it. Here comes the leak. If anyone asks, remember that I knew nothing about this, and my publicist is outraged at this invasion of my privacy.

Honestly. I had no idea I was being photographed.

copyright 2012: http://bluespeckledpup.com

6 Comments Add yours

  1. Why the blanket? Are you hiding a tattoo or something?

    1. Actually, I’m hiding a series of very racy body piercings. Tee hee.

  2. Jo Dee says:

    ha-ha. Very cute.

    It seems to me that the more you flash your bits, the clearer it is that you have low self-esteem. Call me cynical, but if you think you have to be naked to get recognition you either have no interest in dignity, or no understanding that we ALL can get naked and you are just another commodity by doing so in public.

    The hacking stuff? Well, you know my thoughts. It sucks the banana with teeth.
    I just changed all my passwords, and hope the new ones are so convoluted that they can’t be hacked. Now I have to hope I can remember them:)

    A certain kitty sends kisses to Sherman.

    1. I hope your new passwords are completely loser-proof. Sherman sends awkward smooches to the kitty, but Leroy sends his rumbliest purr.

  3. liz4short says:

    Very funny. Good picture: – no squashed head or anything! LOL at the tattoo question.
    There is a female singer/artist (Janelle Monet) that dresses covered up and is a beauty. She does interesting things musically, and I love that she chooses not to use cleavage to gain popularity. Talent merits our attention, not plastic surgery or minimized fabric.

    1. It’s amazing my face wasn’t squished, considering how long I took to make my exit. I was blue when I came out from the lack of oxygen on my slow decent.

      I will check out Janelle Monet. Try to find something by Andrea House while you’re at it. She’s a local around here and her voice gives me goosebumps.

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