One thing I promised myself when I started this blog was that I would keep the language as PG as possible. That means I will be using my teacher vocabulary and avoiding cussing and swearing. The good news about blogging is that I get to read over my stuff before I hit that nifty blue “publish” button, so if anything inappropriate does sneak by, I can claw it back before the post goes public.
Here are my favorite alternatives to “actual” swearing, along with a handy-dandy usage guide. You’re welcome.
1. let’s get our poop in a group
Suggested usage: The weekend to-do list is really long, and you need to get organized to tackle that bad boy. This one is especially useful in the midst of bathroom renovations that seem to go on forever.
Example: “Let’s get our poop in a group and get this stuff done.”
2. for Fox Creek
Suggested usage: Something sudden and frustrating has happened, such as dropping your only toothbrush in the toilet pre-flush.
Example: “For Fox Creek! I can’t believe I just did that!”
3. he/she/it is such a turd nugget
Suggested usage: You call your mom to tell her that the cat uprooted and killed all the seedlings you started in the house for spring planting while you were away at camp with your school.
Example: “Leroy dragged potting soil all over my house and puked up plant bits on my hardwood floors: what a turd nugget!”
4. for crying in the sink
Suggested usage: Something incredibly frustrating has happened, and you are at the end of your patience. You might feel like literally crying over a large receptacle, such as the kitchen sink, which can manage your copious tears. A good example is when your best friend has locked her keys in her car, while the car is running; it also happens to be three a.m. in January; it’s minus thirty, and the only locksmith in town is your father. True story. I suggest letting her dial.
Example: “What do you mean you can’t find your other set of keys? Seriously? For crying in the sink!”
5. holy Hannah
Suggested usage: Something surprising, but not necessarily bad, has happened. You are amazed by this event, such as discovering that the couch/sweater/eyeshadow palette you desperately wanted has gone on sale for an incredible price.
Example: “Have you seen the colours in the new Urban Decay book of shadows? I just found out that Sephora has a special deal on it, too. Holy Hannah, I’m excited!”
6. oh momma
Suggested usage: You cause yourself sudden, blinding pain. If you’re like me, you crush your fingers with the door of your kitchen cupboard. I’ve also used this one frequently in class, such as that time when I kicked the projector cart in my classroom wearing sandals and tore most of my big toenail off.
Example: I gasp and gasp and cannot believe what I just did to my poor, bleeding toe. I whimper, “Oh, momma!”A kid in the front row grins and asks, “You really want to swear right now, don’t you?”
Yes, yes I certainly did. Let the record show however, that I did not.
7. melon farmer
Suggested usage: Someone has just done something incredibly offensive to you. For example, a person in whom you have zero romantic interest has just propositioned you with a romantic evening for three, because it’s fine if you want to bring a cute friend.
Example: “You creepy pervert. Get away from me! You’re one screwed up melon farmer.”
I originally heard this one on a Peachtree TV airing of Die Hard, where Bruce Willis declared, “Yippee-ki-yay, melon farmer!” I love re-dubs where the voices don’t match.
So ends this edition of the Blue Speckled Pup guide to not swearing. Go hurt yourself so you can practice.
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