In a tragic turn of events, I caught a glimpse of something horrifying on the back deck tonight while I was running my swim suit and towel down to the washer: you know, because I am so excellent and efficient that my chlorinated clothing will never sit by the garbage can in the kitchen for three days because I’ve forgotten about it. That is so last week.
Life with a dog includes lots of nasty surprises. During the potty training stage, the hazards are particularly frequent and memorable. The speckled one chews on lovely items like bison tracheas, pig ears, and (yes, really) bull penises; the most frightening thing about the bull penises is the fact that a person can purchase them cut into various lengths, or buy them at the full 36″ size. Yes, really. Maybe I shouldn’t mention the time Sherman had vermin, but it fits here, doesn’t it? Suffice it to say I’m not startled by much anymore, but tonight’s discovery made me as queasy as a pregnant woman at a cabbage and liver buffet.
Here’s what I found:
Horrifying, right? There, trapped under one of the sticks Sherman keeps finding to chew despite my warnings that he will get splinters in his ann-oos, the vile thing: yellow leaf, harbinger of autumn. Remember, autumn comes before winter, and winter is where snow falls incessantly and sweet little birds freeze solid where they land. I am certainly not ready to think about winter.
For crying in the kitchen sink, Mother Nature, today is August 18th! You are supposed to be dressing in green right now. Consider shades like emerald, peridot, and kelly. I am particularly fond of chartreuse and kiwi. Whatever you do, lay off those golds and yellows: they do not flatter you at all at this time of year.
I expect immediate improvements, lady. No more gold until at least mid-September; that colour washes you out and makes your butt look big. I tell you this as a concerned friend.
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