I Got the Lease Breaking Blues (Cue the Saxophone)

Because I don’t have enough to worry about already this week as report cards breathe down my neck, my tenant informed me unceremoniously that she is moving to another city and will be leaving this time next week, and that she will be a week late with her November rent. To add to the elegance, I received this information in a text message. Here I was, feeling just about secure financially and ready to complete my Christmas shopping, and I am suddenly looking for another tenant. Poop on a stick. I can’t afford my mortgage without a renter, and this is a terrible time to look for a new one.

I hate advertising my basement suite. My usual tactic is to post my ad on Kijiji, complete with photos of the apartment, and cruise the Kijiji “wanted” postings for the kind of suite I have in hopes I can connect with someone who would like to rent my apartment. Every time I browse the wanted ads, I find one or two possibilities in a heaving, frothing sea of ads written by people I would have to be nutso-bananas to sign a lease with. The “absolutely not” category includes ads that sound like these, none of which actually exist. These are merely my summaries of the kind of things I’ve been reading.

Are you tired of getting your rent late or not at all, dealing with late night parties, drug use, chain smokers, bare knuckle boxing, and the mess left by your tenant’s parties and untrained, filthy pets? If your answer is NO, then I’m the tenant for you! 

I very seriously thought of emailing that poster to explain that the NO meant any takers would be looking for a tenant who smokes heavily, owns a vicious, incontinent great dane, and invites people over to formulate methamphetamines on the stovetop. This is similar to an ad I read tonight before deciding to blog about my suffering.

Me and my boyfriend are expecting are first baby in Feburary. It’s twins!!! He’s 17 and i’m 16, and we r looking for a landlord to give us a chance. We can afford max 600 per month and are hoping someone will give us a break, and hopefully take are damage deposit in pieces since we r really broke right now. 

Um, yes, because I want four children living in my basement. No thanks, but best wishes for a safe delivery.

Hey me and my brother and my cousin and his girlfriend and her sister are lookin for a 2 bedroom apartment with fresh paint and carpet. We also have three cats named tom, dick, and clyde, a gerbil named gerbil, a corn snake named lucas, a guinea pig named estelle, a schnauzer named violet and a saint bernard name maximus. The snake is really friendly. If you got a place we can rent for really cheap, please gimme a call so we can come see it. We need to move in Monday by noon. We can afford $500 a month with utilities included. 

Yeah, you lost me at gerbil, folks. Also, let’s talk about a little yet important thing called a proper noun, shall we?

Hi! My name is Bambi Starshine! I work evenings and make a great living. I’m a “people person!!!” I need an apartment with a sturdy ceiling so I can secure my pole for practice at home. Please email me at natural_blonde_dancer@wahoo.com

Sure, uh, Bambi. Can you get me a good deal on fishnet tights, too?

dose ne 1 out there have a good basemint suit 4 rent soon I nede a plase to live sence my boyfreind and I cant stay with his auntie no more she dont like dogs we cant afford much 4 rent but can come up with 350 a month if i get the job i want at arbys sum buddy got a place like this pls call or emal thx josh wanda

Josh. Wanda. I wish you all the best in life and at Arby’s. While there is nothing at all wrong with living on a tight budget or working in a fast food establishment, I worry that your inability to use basic elements of communication, such as punctuation and capitalization, may indicate that you are unable to perform even basic tasks successfully. My concern is that you may be so incompetent with simple procedures that you could flood my home attempting to do laundry or burn it down attempting to make Jiffy Pop. Best of luck to you.

Hello landlords. My name is Derek and I am 32 years old. I am looking for a clean apartment with its own kitchen and bathroom for December 15th. I am currently unemployed but have saved up first and last month’s rent since I have been living rent free for the last forty six and a half months. Please call me if you can help me out at (780)555-1234, and ask the warden to speak to inmate number 77683. 

Derek, dear, this would be almost humorous, if I didn’t have friends whose house was raided by the police a few months ago while their basement tenant was hauled away by the cops. For the curious among you, he served 90 days, broke his lease, and shorted them three month’s rent.

Life as a landlord is fraught with issues, the least of which is finding a reliable person to live in the basement apartment of the dollhouse. Reading the ads of potential renters just ads to my stress. I cling to hope that a non-smoking, non-partying, quiet grad student from a very wealthy family will answer my ad and sign a lease as soon as possible. I would also like to go up a cup size and down three pants sizes, while we’re discussing miracles.

Today was not my day. Tomorrow isn’t looking promising either.

copyright 2011:  http://bluespeckledpup.com



7 Comments Add yours

  1. FL Liz says:

    OH my, those are horrid advertisements…er mints, but it’s even scarier to realize how many Joshwandas there are who truly believe that text-speak is a valid form of communication.
    I think it cowardly of your tenant to text you the news.
    I hope you find a suitable renter soon – yeah the timing reeks.

  2. tamarapaulin says:

    Do you allow a sane number of cats or dogs? It can be very difficult for pet owners to find apartments, and once they do, they’ll stay for ages. Husband and I had 3 cats when we were attempting to secure a rental in Vancouver. We ended up in an absolute dump, but we fixed it up and aren’t leaving. Not that anyone else would have us!

    1. I would allow a pet for the right person, particularly a non-barking dog. I can’t stand little yippy dogs, though, so a pooch interview would be mandatory. My biggest problem is that it’s midterm season, and no university students are looking for new places right now.

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